Here's the consolidated feedback after marking the composition test scripts.
Strengths:
1) Some boys were able to deploy the writing technique (using a quote / proverb in the introduction followed by a flashback) taught prior to the composition test.
2) Some boys had been very diligent in gathering the keywords and phrases on the topic "Robbery". Thus there was an improvement in the word choice and descriptive phrases used.
3) Some boys were capable of interweaving the protagonist's emotions throughout the composition and showed maturity in their story construction.
4) Some boys were capable of constructing sound and refreshing story plot that showed creativity and originality.
5) Most boys had excellent penmanship! Keep up the good work!
Weaknesses:
2) Limited saying verbs deployed. Common saying verbs like "said","asked","yelled" are found in majority of the scripts. However, they do not capture every nuance of the character's expression. Thus students need to work on expanding their list of saying verbs i.e. giggled, screamed, replied, groaned, exclaimed, sighed, asked, questioned, suggested etc.
3) Colloquial writing style adopted. Some boys had the tendancy to write as if they are speaking to the readers. Please take note that writing of narratives and personal recounts in the composition test requires our boys to use formal or literary English.
Example: I pushed the people and things in my way and quickly escaped while I can. (incorrect)
I shoved the people and things aside as they were obstructing my escape route. (Correct)
4) Abrupt Conclusion. Many boys did not link the main points shown in the introduction with the conclusion. A preferred technique would be for our boys to reiterate the learning point shown previously in the introduction in their conclusion.
5) Lack of details in the climax of the story. Many boys did not use sufficient descriptive phrases to highlight the course of action taken by the characters in the story. Moreover, the emotional aspect of the protagonist is rather lacking in most scripts.
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Good composition written by the budding writers in 4 Patience:
Sitting in my cold dark cell, I reflected and started to mourn about my shadowy past. If I could take back my freedom, I would... ...
The sun was a disc in the sky and heat rolled around me in waves. Thoughts of desperation flashed across my mind. How am I going to buy food to eat? How am I going to pay the hefty amount of bills? My boss had dismissed me and I was left jobless with mountains of bills to finance. Getting out of my flat to find how to solve my financial woes, I started cursing my boss.
When I stepped into the lift, something caught my attention. It was a woman's shining necklace, bracelet and purse.
"Lady luck is with me today," I muttered to myself.
Just as the doors of the lift opened, I snatched the woman's jewellery at lightning speed and ran faster than the cheetah out of the lift.
"Stop! Thief!" a ear-piercing shrill scream reverberated through the air. I ran helter-skelter. Putting my hands in front of me, I tried to pull the distance between the passers-by and me. Brr...Brr... Looking back, I saw that one of the passers-by was on a skateboard in great pursuit to catch me! Turning back, I wasted no time in quickening my pace. Faster! Faster! Those two words flashed through my mind like a neon signboard.
"Uh, oh..." I muttered the moment I saw a policeman in front of me. Without hesitation, the policeman pinned me against a wall. Luckily, I managed to break lose from his grip. However, my joy was short-lived. Alas, I was surrounded by a posse of policemen. I had no choice but to surrender my loot.
"Lights out! Lights out!" The shouts of the prison warden brought me back to the present. I buried my head in my hands and made silent sobs. It was a reminder of my folly which was the greatest mistake of my life. Nonetheless, I was glad I had changed for the better after the horrible ordeal. Crime does not pay. How true!
(Written in the snatch thief's perspective)
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Good paragraphs written by the budding writers in 4 Patience:
Out of the blue, the suspicious-looking man grabbed her from behind and snatched her jewellery. Ms Lim tried to tug at his shirt but the snatch thief managed to dodge her and fled. Staring at the snatch thief in shock, the truth dawned on Ms Lim. She had been robbed! Returning back to reality from the daze of her shock, she began to shout, "Thief! Stop that thief!" She tried desperately to chase after the snatch thief but she could not. The high heels on her feet were impeding her every movement.
(Climax of a story)
I was faced with a knife pointing at me.With no money to pay the loan shark, he threatened to stab me with his merciless dagger.
"Please ... please... don't kill me. Just give me one more day," I pleaded for mercy as I looked timidly at the burly man standing in front of me. With a menacing grin, he slowly withdrew his dagger and placed it into his pocket. I heaved a sigh of relief. Looking at the shadow of the loan shark, the question I had to face was how to get the money to save my miserable life. The thought of getting quick cash overwhelmed me. I realised what I had to do ... rob.
(Introduction of a story)
I had just borrowed some money from the loan shark. Feeling rather restless and weak, I trudged two blocks back home. I had to crack my brains for ideas to get hold of $5000. However, everything seemed so bleak. With no job at hand, I could neither borrow money from the bank nor could I rely on my other penniless friends for help.
I was sweating profusely not because of the intense heat but rather cold sweat at the sheer thought of what the mean old Cheng would do to me if I failed to return him the money. This made me shudder and blood drained immediately from my face. I stepped into the lift gloomily and stared blankly into space. Just then, a lady appeared. It was my golden chance to get fast cash!
(Paragraphs depicting the emotional aspect of the protagonist)
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Good sentences written by the budding writers in 4 Patience:
In a few minutes, the thief was swiftly apprehended by the police. His hands were placed in cuffs as he was led towards the police car.
Checking the lift panel, I believed the rich lady was heading for the ground level. With eyes on the necklace, she seemed aware of my ill intentions. However, the lady was meek and appeared to be a nervous wreck. It was my chance to strike!
All of a sudden, the burly man snatched my necklace, bracelets and handbag from behind. In the process of snatching my necklace, the hook of the necklace pierced deeply into my flesh, tearing my skin in the midst. An acute pain pierced through my entire body as I cringed and screamed out in pain.
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